Wednesday, October 14, 2009

reflections on fame and infamy

When I was younger (i.e. roughly six months ago), I used to really want to be an actress. Not that I had an experience, mind you, apart from being a lead munchkin in our kindergarten production of “The Wizard of Oz” and acting out scenes from “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof” by myself in my bedroom when I was sixteen (I was a fierce Maggie, if I do say so myself). I was consumed by ideas of superstardom, imagining my handprints outside of Grauman’s and winning Oscars for my earth-shatteringly real performances as various wounded women. But I slowly realized that outside of memorizing all of Audrey’s or Marilyn’s lines in their films, I didn’t actually enjoy the idea of acting. Sure, being a fabulous call-girl or a fabulous gold-digger would be a sensational role in a movie that I would never turn down, but I realized that I would never want to put myself out there and do that whole audition process. I’m way too shy/self-conscious/scared shitless to ever do that to myself. The whole reason I actually wanted to be an actress was just so that I could be famous. I have an odd obsession with fame and infamy. I used to conduct interviews in my head when I was younger and still clouded with thoughts of superstardom, thinking up witty things to say to Dave and practicing my goofy jokes with Conan. I would be a delight onscreen, I really would. I would say profound things in interviews about how acting doesn’t save lives, but its all I know how to do (yadda, yadda, yadda), and would nerd out to Nylon and Interview about my obsessions over Pattie Boyd, Marianne Faithfull, my man Macca, the Manhattan Project, and early Russian silent films that are all really just Lenin-propaganda. I would insist that movies be called “pictures” and would opine about how the beauty of Hollywood and celebrity has all but disappeared. I would have a torrid love affair with a famous athlete/playwright/president (a la Marilyn) or a famous director who I would first have to break out of a Zurich prison. Really, all I wanted was an excuse to talk about myself and have people actually care enough to listen. So I guess that’s the reason why I even have Dolly Rocker Girl – I am incredibly self-consumed and addicted to what I have to say, no matter how trivial it is. If we’re speaking honestly, I think I am one of the coolest people I have ever met in my life. I’m sad that everyone out there who reads this blog hasn’t met me because you are a super-fantastic person as well and I think that we could become besties. We could take over the world with our intensely aware, pop culture-laden ways and become Gilmore Girls times a thousand (and minus one of us being the spawn of the other).

4 comments:

Franni said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

honestly, i agree. i've also always wanted to be an actress but now i think i realize, just as you said, that i just want people to listen to me with close concentration. i feel like i don't get that enough. and even though i'm not a huge fan of the book or the movie, i'm going to quote fight club, "when you're dying, people really listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak."
i agree with everything you've said here.

Rachel said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Yah, I'm addicted to the idea of becoming famous, too, just not as an actress. I used to dream about becoming a famous writer and people quoting all my comments at every moment and my books becoming classics. That's just my self-absorbed ways coming through. Anyways I agree with everything you wrote her 100%.

honeyboney said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

"I used to conduct interviews in my head when I was younger and still clouded with thoughts of superstardom, thinking up witty things to say to Dave and practicing my goofy jokes with Conan."

yah... i sometimes still cloud my mind with those thoughts of how i would win the whole world over with my charming, terrific self.
and there´s the down side on the days i can´t stand the sight of me in the mirror and hide between oversized jumpers and scarfs hoping nobody will notice me...

but i realize that everyone has those self-absorbed ways somewhere inside... we all dream up our better selves in our minds and hope somebody will dig up our fab-ness and adore us for it.
thank you for the post

Gigi said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Saaaame here.

Anyway, Queen Jane, I just wanted to say that I really like your blog. It is uncanny how familiar I am with the people you write about because I have obsessed over nearly all of them at some point. (<3 Pattie)
You are fantastic!